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Shame on you

There was a season in my life when the torment of shame ruled me.   Everything I did, I thought I was wrong.  I felt misjudged, questioned myself repeatedly, worried that I was unaware of a character in me that was untrue.   I would scrutinize every action, constantly questioning my integrity in every motive.   I was under my own microscope.  I assumed the worst of myself on most occasions.  What a sick, twisted way of thinking.

 

I did this, because I felt others would judge me, so I determined to beat them to it.  A series of tragic events kept happening in my life, making me believe God was angry with me.  I would shame myself, hopefully so I would be spared His anger.  I beat myself up day after day, assuming that’s what He wanted me to do.   It would take 6 years to understand this was far from truthful thinking.

 

I remember the day I broke.   I had had it.  Enough was enough, I wanted rid of this awful, emotional agony.   I let go.  What did I let go of?….. control.

 

My problem wasn’t just the shame I was carrying, it was control.  I felt misjudged, so I took control of my situation and determined to do to myself what I felt others wanted to do to me.  By doing this, I could take that power away from them.   I wanted to do the same to God as well; take away His power to shame me.

 

Unfortunately, that control I thought I had was destroying me.  It put on me misery that was never meant for me to carry.    That’s what people who carry shame do; take the matter into their own hands.  They try so hard to be the person they want to be, but when they come up short, they beat themselves so “God doesn’t have to”.

 

Friends, if you are in this state, I pray that it doesn’t take you 6 years, or even 6 days to be able to see past this awful lie.  You see, shame tell us that we are worthless, and all that we believe comes from THAT place.  If I believe I’m worthless and believe others and God see me that way, then there’s no way out of living up to that expectation, no matter how hard we try.  Its an unending circle of feeling valueless, trying to prove to self and others that you are indeed worthy, only to find you cannot win – repeat cycle, each time sinking more into shame’s clutches.

 

So what happened?  Is that what you’re wondering?  How did I get over this?  Well, the truth is that it’s a continual, conscience decision for me to not go back there.  I could very easily sink back into this mental state, as its so closely tied with being an approval addict.   But I’m happy to say that I’ve come through, thanks to the grace of God.  Here’s some snippets of my journey out of shame’s lair.

 

  • I had to come to the place where God could get my attention.   I had to get  to the bottom before I realized I had created a cycle I couldn’t beat.  I was powerless and I finally knew it.

 

  • I had to embrace the fact that there was no possible way I could be in charge of my emotions, actions and will.   I was playing God…. and failing, which was only feeding the shame.

 

  • I had to let go of all my control that was guarding me.  As I allowed my wall to crumble, I was so fearful of God’s punishing hand  I expected to come down on me, but instead, I found His love and grace surround me in such a tangible way I just crumbled into His arms.  I was so wrong about Him.  He wasn’t going to condemn me, He was there the whole time ready and willing to forgive me for my foolishness.

 

  • I had to make a choice every day to believe what He said was true about me: that I’m loved and accepted freely by Him.  This is still a daily choice.  Our minds have more to do with our freedom than we think.   Fill your mind with His truth and meditate on it and you’ll see yourself transform.

 

  • I had to let go of caring about others’ judgments of me.  I had to choose to live out of God’s love and acceptance in moments of feelings others opinions of my intentions.

 

As I still journey on this road, I’m learning the joy of loving the creation God has made in me.  All the things I started to repress in my life, like my “go-getter-ness”, I learned was a gift that God wanted me to have (and to tame at times).

 

Friends, shame is not something you were meant to carry.   I truly believe if you let go of that control you’re trying to have over your life in the name of shame, you’ll be surprised of the freedom waiting on the other side for you.

 

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Categories: a new spirituality
  1. July 19, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    Be blessed and be encouraged: “Never attack and never defend” said one old saint who had lived a lifetime in the Lord — “We wrestle not against flesh and blood – there are principalities and evil powers” and most people in North America will never recognize them or admit to the control the enemy has on them. We wrestle against principalities that can only be dealt with through the Power of God’s Holy Spirit and the power of Jesus’ Blood: casting down strongholds in the imagination of a person and they are the things that exhalt themselves against the true knowledge of Jesus Christ: It is being conformed to the image of Jesus Christ that we need to be concerned with – not our own image. Dialoguing things with our own natural minds – does not produce the mind of Jesus — knowing Jesus and abiding in His word and love does. Love and blessings.

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