Home > The heart of a worshipper > He didn’t want it

He didn’t want it

I’m sitting here…. trying to figure out how to properly convey what’s on my heart.   I don’t want you to get me wrong after reading my series of blogs this week on finding purpose.  I love being a mom.  My boys bring me more joy than I could think possible.  My time being at home with them, I wouldn’t trade for the world.   I consider it an honor that God would trust me to raise them.


The struggle I’ve had with finding purpose in my life has been existent in my life even before my boys were born.   I have spoken much of my ambitious ways before I had kids.  That side of me, I do not miss. (and neither does Reuben).  If there’s one thing my sons have brought to my life its: PACE and a step back to really see what’s important.


Reflecting back on my pre-kids days, I can see how much I was striving to show God how successful I could be for Him.   I look at the way I prayed to Him and how much of my prayer time was spent begging Him to use my life…. and to forgive me.  That was pretty much it.   I had an enormous amount of fear that God would reject me if I didn’t achieve success, and if my imperfection revealed itself too much.


So what did I do?  I ventured out to build Him a kingdom…… a kingdom He didn’t even want.   I labored, I toiled, I worked my rear off to bring God an offering that I thought He’d be proud of.   Turns out, He just wanted me….


I’ve always been an over-achiever.  Without shame, I admit, I like approval.  I like knowing what I do is making an impact.   AND believe it or not, I enjoy hard work.   I love the sense of accomplishment hard work brings.  However, I’ve had to learn when to stop.  I never learn this the easy way….


I can relate with David in the Bible, who wanted to build God a temple.  David was a worshipper, so it was fitting that he would desire to create a place for God to dwell.  But when David told God his great plans….. God didn’t want it.   I can just imagine the undeniable disappointment in David’s  heart.  But God had other things in mind for David’s life.   So God said to David; “Thanks, but no thanks”


To Connie He has also said, “Thanks, but no thanks…”    He thinks just plain, ol’ me is good enough for Him.   That’s a hard concept for me to wrap myself around.  I’m a full out “Martha” trying to get some “Mary” in me.


We wrap so much in what we “do”.    And yes, of course, what we do is very important, but so is what we “are”.  When we reveal ourself without all the outward things we do before God, are we comfortable?   When we stand naked of our accomplishments, do we still feel a sense of value?


It’s always good to evaluate the things we dream and act on: Does God even want it?  Or am I building a kingdom of achievement for myself that I can offer to God in hopes it wins His favor?


A little soul searching in this area can’t hurt.  YOU are enough.  If you can believe that full out and live like you know it, I believe its probably easier to see the “do-ing” part.  Like a child who knows without the shadow of a doubt that their daddy is proud of them.  There is no telling what that child can’t do!  They’re FREE!


Doesn’t that sound nice?


“God’s cause is greater then man’s dreams because God’s cause doesn’t carry the pressure to need to be anything.” – Matthew Barnett


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