Home > womanly stuff > Adultery that’s ok

Adultery that’s ok

OK, before you all jump me, let me clarify.  We’ve been reflecting on what it looks like to cultivate our hearts.  Today, we get pretty candid.  You ready for that?  I’m gonna say it like it is.  Here we go.


In today’s society it’s socially acceptable to have a “look but don’t touch” mentality when it comes to our marriages.   We have no problems “checking out” other people – as long as we’re not sleeping with them.  Yet even getting into the sack with someone other than our spouse has become glorified by some top shows that are on TV these days and through songs I hear each day on the radio.  It’s …. normal.


There’s a description of a married woman mentioned in Proverbs who’s a smooth talker filled with flattering words, but on the inside, she’s bitter, sharp and walks in pure wickedness.  Wherever she walks, she brings death.  She is beautiful and is seductive with her eyes.  She hunts for the weak.  She’s dressed to seduce.  She is boisterous and rebellious.  She goes after the man she wants, convincing him to go home with her by kissing him.  With her many persuasions, she entices him. (Proverbs 5:3-6, 6:24-26, 7:6-23)

All her ways are unstable, but here’s the clencher: she doesn’t even know it.


She doesn’t know what she’s doing?  Serious?  Is itpossible to seduce a man with your eyes, even kiss him and “not know how far gone” you are??


I guess so.


It’s because it never starts that blatant.  Our lives are made up of small, daily choices that eventually add up to big habits that dictate our very actions and attitudes.


It could start with a dissatisfaction with our marriage.   The tall, dark, handsome man we married maybe is now the bulging, bald, tired man we see before us now (no, I’m not describing Reuben… he’s still got that killer metabolism in his favor…)   It could start with distance that can so easily be created in marriage by work, newborns, kids, busy-ness, etc.  It could start with feeling forgotten and ordinary – wanting someone to make us feel sexy again….    It could start with a flirty smile in the hall at work.  It could start with spending too much time with that person.   The list can go on…


The point is that: it STARTS somewhere, and it always starts somewhere small and harmless.


Reuben and I are pretty open with each other.  I told Reuben that it’s not the “tall, dark, handsome, built” man who would be my downfall…. it would be the man who’s really nice to me….. especially in a time where Reuben hasn’t had a lot of time to pay attention to me.  Or maybe we’ve had more arguments at that time.   All it would take is a nice guy…


But for me to get to that point would take me being distracted from the importance of guarding my wellspring of life: my heart.  Ask me right now if I had the chance to cheat on Reuben, would I do it?  NO NO NO!  I couldn’t imagine.  But give anyone a few days, months even years of not making it a priority to keep the heart nourished and BOOM, it can happen…. and it can happen to anyone – even those who seem the strongest.


Wow, hopefully that doesn’t sound depressing.  Its real ladies.  Every day, marriages are destroyed that could have been saved.  Every day women are feeling deprived of their potential and leaving their families off on a quest to “find themselves”.  Every day a woman falls prey to a nice guy who makes her feel sexy again, leaving her husband bewildered and her children confused about mommy’s new friend.   I’m not saying that men don’t do this, but we’re focusing on ourselves right now, not them.


So, is it ok to “look but don’t touch”?  Let’s see what Jesus said about that.

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:28)

That just up-ed the standard didn’t it?  To God, “looking” IS adultery – or no different.  Sick, that means a lot of us are in trouble…  If we’ve ever wondered if we really need a “Savior”, now we know we do.  There’s no way we can live out this standard that a Holy God has placed before us.  That’s why we need Jesus.  Without Him, there’s no way we measure up.  But with Him, we can be empowered to live in His forgiveness and be empowered to live His way.


I love the way the message Bible writes that verse:

“You know the next commandment pretty well, too: ‘Don’t go to bed with another’s spouse.’ But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt. (Matthew 5:28 The Message)

Ladies, we have got to get passionate about keeping our heart from corruption.  We have to care about what we watch and listen to.  That show on TV may be a real hit and even entertaining, but is it “good” for the heart?  We have to choose our friends wisely.  Don’t just think because you have good Christian girlfriends that it means they’ve got a heart to live with integrity.  I once went to a ladies church small group (not in the church I attend now) who complained about their sex-life for the whole meeting and planned a girls trip to “Vegas”.   Their intentions for the trip were more than clear.  Somewhere down the line, they stopped caring about what they allowed “in”.


I had the honor of speaking to a group of preteens the other week.   I was talking to them about guarding their heart and how we never get “old enough” to be able to handle watching certain shows or listening to certain music.   It still effects us for the good or bad.  Like the woman mentioned in proverbs, many don’t realize how far they’ve drifted until its too late.  I challenged the girls to care about what they allow into their lives….


because every choice, no matter how old we are, is going to have an effect on our present and our future.  And it will effect us and the others around us.


Every decision I make today will either lead to healthy habits that will overflow into my husband, my boys and the people who surround themselves around me.


There’s too much at stake to not guard our hearts.   Care.  Care about it for your life.  And let’s not just guard our hearts, lets nourish it with things that will cause optimal growth!  Is adultery ever ok?  No – even the thoughts that lead to action


Let’s BE the difference the world needs to see.


It is a natural law that anything not fed will die – Mark Hawkes

Categories: womanly stuff
  1. March 7, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    Hey Connie,

    I always look at how a person might strive for holiness. The word always tells us of a standard and as long as we’re on this side of heaven the reality of sanctification is as much a process as it is already complete in Christ. And as long as we’re on this side of heaven we’re going to have to war against principalities and when we do our weaknesses and vulnerabilities become attacked and we then face various kinds of temptation.

    I realy enjoyed your blog post as it’s filled with the truth we don’t often hear at church these days.

    The one thing that seriously lacked in my early Christian experience, even in Bible College would be the instruction of HOW, I learned the standard but never quite knew the first step.

    Today I understand the first step. The question is, how aggressively do we invite Jesus into every thought/fantacy and every desire whether good or bad? If we don’t we can’t realy hold every thought captive to the obedience of Christ as we’re exhorted in the scriptures to do.

    Now for the lust factor, since when is it just a guy’s issue, it’s not. I once heard somebody on Focus On the Family say, “bounce the eyes,” in other words the first look is free, it’s the second look that feeds into the flesh but when we acknowledge the present reality of temptation it’s usualy then that we see the Lord provide a way out and turn away from idolatry which usualy comes before the adultry.

  2. March 8, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Good write up – the Holy Spirit’s Anointing & Power and our focus has to be #1 — First Love – Jesus. Doesn’t matter if it is a woman or man — without Him – abiding in us and us in Him we can do nothing (John 15)- but starve ourselves spiritually and go the wrong way. Keep up the good work! Desi nd Marta

  3. June 20, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    Great post Connie. Something every woman needs to be reminded of. Thanks!

  4. Rachel
    June 25, 2011 at 2:58 am

    Wow. That’s amazing, Connie.

  5. July 21, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Love reading these posts to understand more about women, Connie!

  1. June 20, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: