Home > a broken journey > When the dreamer in me died

When the dreamer in me died

I saw a tweet today that said “At home today…. dreaming”.   I know this language.   It’s been used by many colleagues of mine in ministry referring to spending time envisioning what can be done here on earth for the kingdom of God.   Initially when I saw this tweet I rolled my eyes and even scoffed.    Not even a few minutes later I thought, “Why wouldn’t I want someone to dream?”    I mean, talk about a scrooge!

Back in my days of ministry I was a dreamer.   A visionary with a heart full of faith.   I remember the time at a History Maker youth convention in Kamloops, Darcy McAlister bringing me on stage and speaking over my life in front of 3000 people; “Dream big woman of God”.    I was moved in my spirit and felt I could be God’s champion.   Others also spoke similar words on different occasions.   It actually became rare to NOT hear this things.

What happened?  What happened to the dreamer in me?   Life happened.  I can’t recall one episode in particular;  being taken out of ministry, leaving Vancouver (my love) and having my business (my big dream) die, my father passing away, my mom getting re-married and being distant from the family, having kids……  perhaps all of the above had a part to play.

I do know one thing: God ordained it all.   These years of brokenness I’ve experienced have been known by God – even before they happened.  And He allowed them, not because He’s mean or disappointed in me, but because He cares more about what goes on INSIDE of me than what I DO on the outside.

My first reaction to all this?  Complete rebellion.  A hard heart, anger towards the church, the vow: “I will NEVER go into ministry ever again”.   This anger softened a bit to a depressing, pessimistic view on life that there is no reason to dream because all that becomes of them is just heartache and loss.

What’s the reaction now?  Surrender.  My white flag is up and waving.   No more rebellion, no more anger, no more vows.   I have nothing left to do other than say to God: “Have it Your way”.

I still doubt, which is where my scoffing comes into play, when I hear the word, “dream”.     “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt…” kind of attitude.  I see other dreamers receive God pour success all over their endeavors.   It’s a hard emotion to figure out: I’m happy for them, thankful God’s moving on our planet but “what about ME God?”

I sit in my van driving my kids around wondering; “God, when do you plan on releasing ME?”   I wait….. and wait….. and oh look, I’m still waiting…. (I’ve mentioned how much I hate waiting)  What am I waiting for?   I have NO idea.   For my “time”?      For “success” to come?   For my “call” to reveal itself?

RIDICULOUS.  I’ll tell you why in a minute.

First of all, its not about “me” is it?

Secondly, what on earth would look like “success”?   Who said God’s “call” meant I’d be paid to do it?  (Ohhh right, the speaker at the youth rally who pointed his finger at me at the altar declaring, “YOU have the call of God on your life”.  You mean like every believer does in the room??  Does that mean a full time vocation?)

And how would I know if “success” arrived?  If my “dream” was fulfilled?   Without any pessimism in my heart I can truly say I wouldn’t know.  No one knows.   And are we any less even if we never see what’s been promised to us?

Jesus spent the first thirty years of His life in preparation for only three years of ministry that was public – out for all to see.   Moses never entered the promised land after forty years of leading a whiny nation.  Abraham had no idea what God really meant by; “You will be the father of many….”  But what God did IN them was even greater than what they DID.

John Waller sings a song that says; “I will serve you while I’m waiting, I will worship while I’m waiting”.  This song has reminded me that we will always be “waiting”.   Because as God takes us through one milestone, He will soon have us on a path of preparation for the next.   My attitude is to serve and worship Him through the whole thing.   Till I meet eternity.

“All of my ambitions hopes and plans, I surrender these into Your hands” – I love that song.  That has become the cry of my heart.  Even if it means I feel forgotten by God.   If He passes by my dreaming heart, I will still surrender – and surrender gladly.   (it’s only taken me 6 years to get here….)

I pray God’s people keep on dreaming and dreaming big for what they can do for Him while on earth.   And if brokenness meets them, I pray that they will stand just as strong in abandonment.   I choose to cheer the dreamers on despite the view from the sidelines.

For now, I will simply be….. obedient.  Obedient to whatever He asks me to do.

“To obey is better than sacrifice” (1 Samuel 15:22)

“What you try to hold on to will always get away….what you release God blesses” – Matthew Barnett


Categories: a broken journey
  1. Miranda Himmelspeck
    January 18, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    I have a thought for you my friend. You speak of losing your ministry and waiting to be released. Have you considered that you do have a ministry, right now. It is just a different ministry than you had before.

    Right now your ministry is your children. Your job is raising your boys to be the godly warriors that they will one day need to be and putting the tools in their hands to do battle when their time has arrived to take that on. It is not as public a ministry as you perhaps had, but it is a very important one.

    You also have a ministry at Midpark. You minister to my heart whenever I hear you sing. You have a ministry in the dance that you have such a passion for. How many young people have you influenced with your teaching and involement with dance groups? How many that you would have not had access to if not for the dance?

    I have a feeling that you will be released into whatever your ministry was in a bigger way than you could possibly imagine – when it is again time!

    Dream big woman of God! He has big plans for you.

    • January 18, 2011 at 4:41 pm

      Hey Miranda!
      Yes, this is exactly what I feel. Ministry hasn’t “changed” its just different than I thought. I see all I do right now as simple obedience which is what God has wanted from me in the first place. And raising my boys to be strong is totally the point.

      Thanks Miranda! I appreciate you so much!

  2. January 18, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    Love this Connie – when God promises an “abundant” life, it doesn’t just mean, “abundantly overflowing with good times all the time”. We accept whatever is in the cup, because it come from a loving Father’s hand. But it’s so hard to die to ourselves isn’t it? I do know one thing for sure, that your ministry and dreams are more powerful than ever…loving the family God has blessed you with….being the face of God on earth to two little boys….wow….you’ll never have a greater impact in someone’s life than right now.
    Love you, girl!

    • January 18, 2011 at 4:42 pm

      Yes, this is exactly what I feel. Ministry hasn’t “changed” its just different than I thought. I see all I do right now as simple obedience which is what God has wanted from me in the first place. And raising my boys to be strong is totally the point.

      Thanks guys! I appreciate you so much!

  3. January 25, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    I think some folks are waiting to be called out of the crowd in front of thousands of people to be validated in our calling. I never heard Pastors validate everyone but rather just a few select people. Market place ministry has for far too long seen as less important. The truth is, 90 per cent of ministry is done in the market place and who we are to folks Monday-Saturday. We are all called and destined for greatness. I heard Bill Markham say this all the time in Omega. One thing I’ve noticed when so weakened in my identity I wanted to be the one called out because I needed a revelation of my worth and value in Christ. Today, I don’t wait to be called out. I just step out in the places I have favor. All of us just like Jesus is in a process of growing in wisdom and favor. As we do being called out has less to do uith needing to be validated and more to do with people seeing where we are growing and where we have favor, our giftings and calling is given and validated by God while others can have the privilege of encouraging and the investment in the harvest or miss altogether what the Lord will accomplish in the life of anyone who surrenders to the Lord. As for myself I kept running away from where I knew the Lord called me. I was the classic Jonah case until I surrendered but that story is for another day. The point is… It’s God who gave us the dream and the more rediculous impossible the dream looks may very well be confirmation that dream is from God. There are seasons however, we can’t expect to produce fruit when God has led us into a season of being pruned.

  1. August 22, 2011 at 2:48 pm

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