Home > a broken journey > When God disappointed me…

When God disappointed me…

Before my dad passed away six years ago, God led him to this scripture:  “You will see your children’s children…” (Psalm 128:6)

When my dad was given this verse, he had a one in three chance to live with the cancer he had.   I suppose he decided to share this with me to give me hope and comfort that he would live.  A month later, he died.

As you can imagine, I questioned God about this.   Why give my dad this scripture only to have his life end?   I’ve struggled with this question till about two weeks ago.

I struggled with wanting to have kids.  Many women want kids and are excited about it.  For me, I wanted to excel in my career and ambitions that the thought of kids scared me.  I thought I’d never be able to achieve all I wanted to after I had them.   We finally had our first son when I was 31 years old.   We had just moved to Calgary to be with my mom as everyone in our family had died and she was alone.  Moving to Calgary was very hard on me.   I was 8 months pregnant and had nothing to do when I got here except walk my dog.   I felt very alone.  It was like my life had ended.   When my son, Ben was born it seemed like I would never taste my dreams again.

It is now four years later, and our son Christopher was just born in October.   Again, after having my first son I struggled with having another.   As Ben grew older I started to gain more freedom to pursue dreams again.  The thought of going back to square one was overwhelming and sad for me.   It seems each time I’ve had a child there’s been a journey of death to myself as a part of the process.  I was enjoying being in ministry again and at the time of Christopher’s birth, God again removed it from me.

My journey for the last five years has been death.  Death in my family, death to my dreams, and death to self.   If this sounds depressing, don’t worry, it gets better!  Through this journey I am discovering that God loves to turn death into life.

I’ve been so driven my whole life to achieve.  To excel beyond mediocrity and I still have that passion inside of me.  However, something I’ve learned is that God’s purpose and dream is THE ambition.   And for me to invest all my energy into MY dreams can be foolish – if it means forgetting the family He has given to me.   If, by me pursuing my own ambitions causes me to forget my sons, then it really can be all lost.

Who’s to say that all that I’ve been through and will go through isn’t so that my sons can grow to be strong in the Lord?   Wouldn’t it be amazing if they grew up to do far greater things than I could imagine!   For God to release THEM!   Ironically, if God asked me what my greatest desire is, I could honestly tell Him; For my sons to know Him and live their lives for His glory.

For me to come to this point in my life where I am willing to say “it is well with my soul” shows progress.   For me to say; “Ok God, if I never get to do what I wanted to accomplish, it’s ok”.  Even though I struggle even writing that sentence I know that God will use my life for His purposes as long as my life is focused on HIS purpose and not my own.

For my dad to share with me that God told him “you will see your children’s children” gives me hope that my sons will grow to serve God.  That one day, they will stand before Jesus and receive the crown He has for them.   My dad WILL see them – in heaven.    Before, that verse made me mad.  It brought tears of disappointment to my eyes.  But now?   That verse gives me hope for my greatest desire.  And not only that,  it reminds me that to live this life for “me” will not be of any gain.   But if I will see my role as a mom as a chance to raise up two strong, mighty men –  how amazing is that!   That’s not mediocrity; it’s greatness wrapped in what looks like a simple package.

It is well with my soul.

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Categories: a broken journey
  1. December 22, 2010 at 9:10 am

    The bible also says that Children speak of blessing and inheritance. The physical often times tells of the spiritual. I think we can take that scripture verse that was shown to your Father and claim generational blessing! 🙂

    One cannot have the resurrection without first having to die. And so it’s often said that we haven’t truly learned how to live until we’ve learned to die. It does sound kinda negative but I’d rather live in resurrection power then to rely on my own strengths and powers. I’ll never be who I’ve been destined to be without the resurrection power of Jesus Christ.

    Anyways … generational blessings which includes salvation and perhaps your Father has played an integral role in it. God knowing the beginning from the end has given that promise and I think we can stand upon His promises when we struggle to make sense of what God is doing.

  2. Reuben
    December 22, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Wow Con! I love your thoughts and your heart on this. You are an amazing mom, and we do have 2 awesome boys!!!
    My prayer for you is this; as you continue to go through and grow through these times that His heart, life and His call will be manifested in a way that would be beyond your wildest dreams.
    I love you!!!

  3. Lora
    December 22, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Great post Connie! Thank you for being so open and honest, thank you for sharing your heart with us. You are a beautiful, awesome woman of God. I’m blessed to call you my friend. I know God has many wonderful things planned for you.

  4. jody
    December 22, 2010 at 11:31 pm

    i have to echo Lora’s words and say thank you! that was open, honest and real! it brought tears to my eyes as i read it. and though i only just met you, i can see that God has so much for you. this is just a season!!! and all that you have been through can and will be redeemed by HIM! i truly believe that! it is exciting to see that you came to see the meaning behind the verse that God gave your dad! God bless you as you continue on this amazing journey of life!

  5. September 23, 2011 at 12:58 am

    As always Connie, great post, and this one spoke to me. : ) Thanks for investing your time in this blog! I bet this was all a part of HIS plan, wasn’t it Connie? ; )

  6. Julia Warr
    September 23, 2011 at 3:35 am

    connie, thanks for your words, they mean alot.
    julia

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