Home > The heart of a worshipper > apple of what?….

apple of what?….

I had a great conversation with a friend of mine a few weeks ago about “acceptance”.   Not just from people but from God.   She mentioned something that I, myself have also pondered.   “I know God LOVES me, but does He LIKE me?   Does He really enjoy putting up with me?”    Especially when I know the condition of my heart and my constant stumbling…..  and what a nerd I can really be!

In fact, not too long ago I had a heavy cloud of shame over me for about 2 years.  My dad had passed away and I had been dismissed from my position in ministry.  I honestly felt God did this to me because of His disapproval over my life.  Shame tormented my mind.  Guilt was tangled around my soul.   I couldn’t even talk to God other than to say “I’m so sorry….”

But I love what God showed my friend.   He asked her if she ever gets tired of changing her son’s diaper?   Does she expect him to be any different?   Of course, the answer was “no”.   We all realize with young babes that they haven’t yet learned to control their “movements” – thus the diaper.  And we graciously (and sometimes with a nose-plug) deal with it until they are ready to potty train.

It was a moment of revelation to see that God is willing to put up with our…. well…. “crap” until we reach the maturity for Him to then do a deeper work.  And He really does accept us – right where we’re at (unless we’re blatantly doing wrong with a heart of rebellion)

Psalm 17:8 David says to God “Keep me as the apple of the eye”.    I’ve heard this before.  People have used it in messages etc saying “You are the apple of God’s eye” – but what on earth does that mean?!    In the Hebrew its literally translated as “little man of the eye” – a reference to the tiny reflection of yourself you can see in other people’s pupils.   This means that when God looks at us, He sees a reflection of Himself.   It’s like when I look at my sons – I can see reflections of me in them.

I’ve also heard it said that the “apple of eye” speaks of the pupil, the centre – that we are the centre of God’s attention.   I had no clue what it meant to love until I had kids.   If you don’t have kids yet, have one!  (unless you’re a teen and unmarried.  Then I don’t recommend it! haha)   When I even just think about my sons I am so proud of them.   I just look at them and my heart gushes with adoration.  Even when my 4 year old misbehaves (which is quite often) I STILL love him.   It may alter how “pleased” I am with him at the moment, but I still love him.   I can’t help but recognize this as the way God sees me.   He truly adores me.   When He looks at me, His heart gushes as well!  And even when I “misbehave” (which is quite often), He still loves me – He just may not be very pleased with me at the moment but it doesn’t alter His affection.

We are truly accepted by God.  Do you believe that?  Anyone can sing “Jesus loves me” but have you experienced that truth in your soul?  Many of us can relate to feelings of insecurity – especially when thinking about what God must really think of us.   David in the same Psalm (Psalm 17) says “You have tried my heart, You have visited me by night; You have tested me and have found nothing”.   What he is saying is that God has done a full investigation on David’s core and has found… nothing!   No evil!

It’s that “You have visited me by night” part that gets me.  It’s sandwiched right in the middle of God’s investigation of the heart.  “Night” meaning: “adversity”, “hardship”.    God visited me with hardship those 6 years ago.   When He visits us with a dark night of the soul He is not doing it to punish us but to push us…  to push us towards Him…… towards the cross….. towards His covenant love that doesn’t break.  And those who run TO Him rather than from Him end up being found faultless because of Christ.

This Psalm is so rich and full it’s hard to not want to mention all that it says!  But David ends with this: “As for me, I will behold Your face in righteousness and I will be satisfied with beholding Your likeness when I wake up” (vs 15)

When shame wants to revisit me and I again return to the insecurity of who I am;  I’m once again brought back to this statement: As for me, Connie Jakab, I can stand before God righteous and accepted not because of how great I am, but because of the cross.   And instead of turning towards what the world says I need to do to be accepted, I will choose to be satisfied with seeing God’s reflection in me.

I’d say that’s pretty cool….

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  1. December 17, 2010 at 4:50 am

    I could get on a soap box with regards to how some church’s do church discipline but I won’t. Some people are quick to respond in similar ways as Jobs friends…you know like those who believe you’re rebelling for the sake of rebelling and believing hardship is the result of willful sin. You know there are some church’s that need to understand that a great leader does not stand with faith untested and maturity is not void of weakness, struggle, and temptation but rather choices made. I heard it said using Job as an example God will lead us towards the dark night of the soul because He knows us and has trust in us to choose Him when life doesn’t make sense He knows we have the same heart as Job who said “The Lord gives and He takes away yet I will bless the name of the Lord” It’s a refining process because one thing the Lord desires is for our security to be in Him and for many their security is in their image and ministry so like Hosea’s wife the Lord leads us into the desert but there the vineyards of our youth is restored and we come to know the place of true intimacy with the Lord.

    I can remember when the Lord revealed His love to me. I was confused and hurt by the church. I dropped out of bible college and sought support but I found only judgement, criticism, and rejection. I came to know who my friends were and who were not. It was there the Lord came to me. When I was 2 my mom died. She had cancer and she willingly chose to have me even though to have an abortion would have prolonged her life. She gave her life for me and the Lord reminded me … no greater love is there than He who laid down his life for His friend. While being a parent will give you insight to His avsolute unconditional love He has other ways to reveal His love. Anyways … it just messes me up to think that where others had rejected me the Lord drew even closer.

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