My last Conniethought…

One year ago I opened this blog as a release I needed when my second son was born.  I never really expected too much out of it other than to be able to express all the deep emotions and experiences I’ve had in the last few years.  I never expected it to reach so many diverse groups of people.   I’m forever amazed (and humbled) when I run into someone random who says they read the blog.  Wow.   So I just want to say “thank you” for coming along the ride with me this year.  Its been a blessing to hear your stories back of similar situations you’ve been through.  Hearing your stories has been my favorite part of writing the blog,  .

The great thing is that this isn’t good-bye!  As one blog closes, another opens; one that has similar messages to what I’ve been writing on already.  I invite you to stay on the journey.   There is much to tell, but not right now.  If you would like more info on where to find this new blog, please email me at rcbjakab@shaw.ca

In closing (at least on this blog), I reflect on how crazy life is. I’ve always wanted to write.  It was one of my highlights from school and college.  You just never know what happens when you try something you’ve always wanted to do.   I am thankful for the new writing adventures this year will bring as well as for the opportunity to be a part of an amazing writing community such as Redbud (http://RedbudWritersGuild.com).

All the same, YOU never know what could happen if you step out to do that one thing you’ve thought of doing for awhile.  Why not give it a go?  What’s the worst thing that could happen.  Don’t rob us of your beauty.   You have a story we need to hear.  You have something someone else needs.  To sit around and wait until you feel qualified means you’ll sit forever.  The more people I’ve talked to who have stepped into the great unknown often felt unequipped.   But He is the one who equips.

What’s in your hand?  What is it that brings you passion and joy?  What gifts have you been given?

Now look around.  What do you see?  There are those in need of what’s in your hand.  Go for it.  Live free, live loved.

It’s time to ask God; “What do you see in me?” and live out of His perspective of you!

You women freak me out; another candid blog

Quick note before we get into today’s blog: Conniethoughts is changing.  If you are a subscriber, please email me at rcbjakab@shaw.ca to find out the new blog as this one will not be updated any longer as of Monday.

Yes, you women freak me out.  I’m afraid of your judgments when I walk in the room.  Am I dressed well enough to impress you?  Too much that I intimidate you?  Do I come across too talkative or too shy?     Should I smile at you or pretend to ignore you?  Should I approach you with openness or put on an aloof facade?

 

Its hard to walk into a room when you all know each other and I know no one.  You seem to all flock together.  It would be ok if I thought you didn’t notice my presence, but that glance back with a look up and down just made me realize you’re very aware I’m there.  I wish you could have seen me smile at you in attempt to reach out, but you turned back so quickly.   I guess this is why girls don’t often go places alone.  It’s just so awkward…..

 

Its that uncomfortable moment of frantically scanning the room for a friendly soul that scares me.   It’s always nice when you finally decide to come over to introduce yourself.  You have no idea how refreshing!  But its hard not to compare the experience to feeling like I’m in the middle of an initiation.   The fact you just walked away tells me I didn’t pass….

 

I appreciate the attempts of inviting me out for coffee and to the party you were hosting so you could introduce me to your friends.  When you’re the new girl, it’s nice to have an invitation to hopefully form new friendships.   I’m just confused when the invitations stop?   I guess we’re not friends then?   It’s hard to read you when you’re nice, but not inclusive…….

 

I love deep talks with you.  It’s stretching for me to be open and spill my heart out.  I go away from sharing my soul with you feeling safe and free!….. until another comes and repeats verbatim all I shared with you…..  You were the only one I told.  I feel even more betrayed when you act like nothing happened.

 

I’m thankful when you’re not threatened by things I’m good at.  It’s wonderful when we can cheer each other on and celebrate one another’s accomplishments.   But I have to admit, I find it draining to hear you talk about yourself only to shut me down when I’ve got something new and exciting in my life I’m dying to share with you.

 

I was flustered after you got offended with me speaking rather frank with you.  I thought you said we could speak freely to each other and not take it the wrong way?

 

And honestly, it drives me a bit crazy when you obsess about what other girls are doing.  You become a different person when you’re trying to impress them.  I’m not sure when you decided these girls are setting the social standard?   Why can’t you just not care and be yourself?

 

Sometimes I just want to give up on you…. but I can’t.  Somewhere deep in my soul I feel I was made to connect with you.  I feel more complete when I’m with you.   As much as I want to isolate myself from you, I long for a kindred to walk through life with.  As tall as I may want to build the wall around my heart, I know that God formed us to be in communion.

 

So when you ignore me, I’ll still muster the courage to smile.   When I’ve been pushed out of the circle, I’ll still speak highly of you.  When you succeed, I’ll choose to cheer for you, even if its not returned.   I may not bear my heart and soul with you until I feel  my trust replenished, but I won’t with hold my hand from you.    I will look for you when you’re the one alone in the crowd.   And even though my time seems so limited, I will try to look for you outside of my comfortable circle of friends.   I won’t care if you have a different style or point of view than me.  I find that intriguing and fresh!

 

You may hurt me again and again in ways you don’t even realize, but in those moments I will run to the Father for His Daddy hug, and He will give me the courage to face you again.   I may succumb to my wall or standoffish behavior again.  When I do, I’m sorry.  Time to head back to the Father again to break down my wall of judgment ….. and hopefully surprise me with a new, deep friendship that sharpens us to be more like Him.

My second 10K race… that I didn’t train for… and how that went…

This weekend I ran my second 10K.   Can I just start by saying the last kilometre of the race SUCKS….  That’s it, just wanted to get that off my chest.  Now on with what I really wanted to say…

 

I really don’t love running.  I mean, it’s nice to run by the river on on a beautiful fall day.  Everything is crisp and golden.  But as for the whole runn-ING part of running… meh.   Needless to say, I’d rather be dancing.  I hadn’t ran since my last 10K race a few weeks ago…. and I felt it.   Even though I had just done a three hour house dance session that week (aka Cardio insanity), and did some crazy bootcamps, it still didn’t prepare me for the strain I could feel with every hit on the pavement.

 

Why is that?….. Muscle memory.

 

Did you know that muscles have memory?   Smart lil things.  They remember something that’s been done recently, and therefore can improve from where you left off.  On the same note, they also lack remembrance for things you haven’t done in awhile.   And it doesn’t take long for them to “forget”.  Its only been two weeks since my last 10K run and it was almost like my body was saying to me that morning; “What is this you’re doing to me??!” (fitting, as the run was for Alzheimer’s… you’d think my muscles had it!)

 

That’s the very thing that deceives most people in fitness; they think that dancing three hours would prepare you for a race…. but they’re wrong.  The reason is because it’s different muscle groups working and in different ways.  When I dance, I may use some of the same muscles I use for running, but its still that continual forward cycle that my muscles need to be prepped for to do something like a 10K race.

 

Not only that, but lung capacity works differently with different exercises.  Even when I dance steady, there’s still a break once and awhile to catch breath.  It’s more comparable to quick spurts of energy used in sports like soccer, for example.  Completely different cardio system.  A bootcamp uses this “quick spirt” system too.  Quick, one minute intervals are very different than the consistent, endurance needed for long distance running.  And if you want to be fast, then you need to work on endurance and pace a LOT before the race.  (there is a point to all this theory… hang in there)

 

As I ran today and was quickly hit with the reality of my lack of prepping my muscles for this task, I reflected on how applicable this is to every day life.   We can’t just jump into things that are BIG and expect to succeed.  There’s something to be said about beginning at the beginning, and being willing to go through all the steps necessary to build up to something substantial.   But in our culture, we want success NOW.  We want to achieve the goal NOW.  We don’t want to work too hard for it.

 

Your life is too precious to “wing it”.   It’s time to train for the race of life.  It’s time to practice spiritual muscle memory.  Keep yourself sharp and on the edge.  Don’t let your spiritual muscles “forget” all they’ve strained for, only to have to start at the beginning again.  It doesn’t take long for that to happen.  A little relaxation turned lazy, a little; “I’ll just let it slip this once (x5) slows us down more than we know.

 

Can you imagine how you could run the race if you lived with greater intention and training?  Starting today!

My most radical thought on dieting

Don’t.  Here’s why.

 

We serve food.  Admit it, we do.  Our North American culture is constantly preaching to us a message of food and why we should abandon all and become its slave.   It’s our precious little idol isn’t it?  I mean, if it wasn’t then we wouldn’t have numerous grocery stores and restaurants to choose from would we?   People actually make a ton of money selling us the stuff!  And food that we don’t really need… we just like it and therefore want more of it.

 

I’m being a bit hard on food because for years it has ruled my life.  Before I lost any weight, I was its servant.  In my 20’s I would get a craving for a burger.  Nothing stopped me from going and getting it; even if it was one in the morning.  Not only would I inconvenience myself to go get it, I’d pay whatever they asked me to and not even blink.  I would eat based on “feeling”.  What do I “feel” like eating?  How would I like to serve my little idol today?  I would eat because I was sad, I would eat because I accomplished a goal, I would eat (a lot) because it was a holiday, I would eat when I was with friends, when I was alone, when I was in the car……  My world seemed to revolve around my love for it!

 

Then I decided to go on a diet and lose all this weight I had on me!  It doesn’t take long for a love for an idol like food to show on the outside… and I was its perfect model.   I was going to make a positive change in my life for the better.  Of course a “diet” seems the only route to go.  Of course, now your little idol has now turned into one.big.god. – because now you are focused on it more than ever.  How many calories does this bagel have?   Can’t eat this, but you can eat that.  Do you know your glycemic index?  BY HEART?   Grapes are baaad, eat an apple instead.   Cut out carbs.   Cravings?  Don’t worry, there are a ton of remedies: drink tea, go for a walk (and try not to think about all the food you’re not supposed to be thinking about),  have a piece of dark chocolate…. just keep food in the forefront of your mind at all times.

 

It gets worse: trips to the grocery store turn into long, intense sessions of label reading.  Eating every three hours turns into schedule-anxiety attacks and fear you’ll miss your next feed.  Oh! And don’t forget to take your CLA pills fifteen minutes prior.  Make sure you eat protein within thirty minutes after your workout.  Better yet, spend a fortune on powders that will enhance your workouts and increase your muscle mass.   Spend enormous amounts of money on books with the latest diet trend and try each one!   Take a few hours out of your day to analyze recipes.  Eat lettuce and let your family watch you turn crazy.   Try out a soup cleanse that will leave you dizzy on the couch, not being able to interact with your kids.

 

Whatever you decide to do to “diet”, your idol has now grown to full-out god form because its all you think about, dream about, read about, talk about….

 

Maybe it’s time for a rebellion against this god?  After all, how many people diet only to have to go on diet, after diet after diet anyways?   It’s clearly not working.

 

Here’s what I’m trying – and I’m not saying its easy, or even working as fast as I know my typical “popcorn and protein shake diet” can deliver.

 

• I don’t weigh myself anymore.  Ever. Yup, you got it.  No more weighing myself naked in the morning before breakfast and after my first bowel movement…

 

• I’ve stopped buying the newest diet fad book. (before I would buy them as soon as they came out.  I had stacks of them!)

 

• I educate myself on health, but it’s not ALL I read.

 

• I don’t have an anxiety attack if I go away and I can’t bring my blender to make my own protein shakes…  I eat what I’m given and make my focus on not being such a glutton.

 

• I realized my problem wasn’t “food”, it was the love and consumption of it.  I now let food serve me, not me serve food.

 

• I don’t think about food or even what I “should” be eating.  I.just.eat.

 

• I focus on taking less food onto my plate to avoid overindulging.  If I’m still hungry after, I’ll take some more.

 

• I eat cake.  And I like it.

 

• I eat carbs.  And I like them.

 

• I eat food as close to the earth as possible (no, I’m not talking about my posture while eating).  I mean, I eat as little man-made food as possible and more food that actually comes from the ground like fruit, veggies, sprouted grains…

 

I’m not annoying to live with. (well, you may want to ask my hubby that..)  But I do know he’s thankful to not hear over and over: “Does this make me look fat??”, or having him watch me check out and compare myself with other girls.  (I used to hate it when he’d call me out on that)

 

I wish I could say I look amazing and have lost ALL  my baby weight doing this.  Nope.  Actually, I lost weight 10x faster with my first son by serving the god of food.  But wow, was I ever pathetic.   This food-god just fed my SELF like crazy.  I would feed it, then it would feed me.  What it fed me wasn’t nourishing at all.  I became so obsessed with my body, what I ate, comparing my butt with another girls (come on, you’ve done it too…)  P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C.

 

So I may not get my size 5 pre-preggo pants over my hips yet, but man do I feel free.  I’m a lot more thankful for what I eat and I finally feel I have a grip on where food needs to be prioritized in my mind…. and it’s not at the front.

 

How about you?   You up for a little rebellion?

one of my deepest reflections as of late… a thanksgiving thought

I look up at the night sky and see the moon’s light beaming down on the earth.   I am thankful tonight for all I have been given; a family, a home, a vehicle, clothes to wear, plenty of food…  Yet under this same moon I am aware of those who have not.

 

Under the same moon, in our land of plenty we struggle with dissatisfaction.  Others struggle with not having anything to satisfy their thirst or hunger.

 

Under the same moon, we try to guide our children away from entitlement, while other children would be thrilled to have one toy alone.

 

Under the same moon, we work overtime just so we can have the newest car, i-gadget, holiday, status, that we are often isolated from others, even our own family.  Yet there are others orphaned by the tyranny of aids, war and poverty who would do anything just to have a family.

 

Under the same moon I have a home, while others have no home.  I complain about driving a mini van and not a mustang, while others endure the winter on foot.   While I moan; “I’m broke” and head to Starbucks, there are those who truly have lost everything.

 

Under the same moon, there is enough money and resources for all to live well, but some hoard while others suffer.

 

I’ve become aware that although suffering is not my personal fault, I am responsible for my neighbor who has the same right to live under the same moon as I.

 

There must be more to a self indulgent life that never becomes satisfied.   I need to find those who live in lack.  Under the same moon they are there.  Will I care enough to look for them?  Will I share what I feel entitled to with them?

 

Can I truly feast while they famine?

 

“We all live under the same sky, but we don’t all have the same horizon.” – Konrad Adenauer

 

To whom much is given, much is required. – Jesus (Luke 12:48)

What Colin and Justin teach me – a little lesson learned from home reno shows

I love home décor shows.  I used to breastfeed my son while watching Debbie Travis’s home reno show on HGTV.  And I can’t get enough of Colin and Justin.  I love their style and I’m always dying to see what Colin will be wearing that day (or the size of his flower…)

 

One thing I don’t like is clutter.   I like things neat and strategically placed…. And I want it to STAY there (you can guess how that goes over with kids…)    I love it when a home renovator like Debbie Travis or Colin and Justin heads into a home stacked to the ceiling with stuff EVERYWHERE and turns it into a show home.  It seems like every house that gets on those shows are hoarder-types who have to fill every counter space and shelf with knick-knacks of all kinds.  I see it as useless garbage.   So what’s the first thing all these professionals do?   They ask them to choose the most important items and get rid of the rest.   The end result is always breathtaking!

 

The type of home you won’t see as often on a home reno show is a home that looks like someone who’s in college: a large space, maybe a couch, no pictures on the wall, no dining room set…. Not much to fill the empty space.

 

I heard Joyce Meyer say this the other day: “An empty space is still a place”.

 

Our lives are filled with spaces free for us to fill with whatever we please.  Some choose to clutter their lives up with stuff, stuff and more stuff, making no room for much else whether it be healthy or not.   Some stuff is useful but other items are just gagets and knick-knacks taking up space that could be better used.

 

Others have no idea what to do with life.  You ask them what they think about?  Or what they’re passionate about?….. the answer? An empty; “Nothing”.

 

But if what Joyce Meyer says is true, then we need to be sure we’re filling our life spaces with things that deserve a place.  Not useless garbage, and certainly not “nothing”.   The enemy of our souls LOVES to fill empty spaces with things.    God, as well, would love to fill our spaces with things that will only enhance our lives and bring Him glory.

 

Why not take a look at your life-space and see if there’s some de-cluttering needed?  Or do you need to fill an empty space with something that will sharpen you to be useful for His kingdom?

 

What would a home reno guru do to rearrange the inner furniture of your soul?  Are you up for an extreme makeover soul addition?

A very risk-a post about women…. and our walls.

Women  build walls.  We can’t help it.  We feel the need to guard the ones we love.  No differently, we love to guard ourselves.   It’s our nurturing nature.   We want to protect the emotion, where as man likes to protect the physical domain.

 

It’s good to be able to protect our emotions and the emotional atmosphere of our home.  We want our children to feel safe.  We want our husbands to flourish.  We want ourselves to live in such safety and freedom as well.  When that’s under attack, we do the first thing we know how to do: build the wall.

 

Walls aren’t bad.  They tell us who’s allowed in and who’s not.  It’s not a bad thing to keep unhealthy relationships at bay.  The problem is when we become so guarded that no one can penetrate through.   This wall can take many forms:

 

• wanting a perfect image

 

• shying away from people, trying to remain inconspicuous. (YOU’RE the people I happen to notice first by the way…)

 

• wearing sunglasses as protection from people seeing you, and you having to look at them.

 

• giving a stone-cold look, causing others to avoid you

 

• hiding behind a profession or title

 

 

There are others, but that gives a pretty general idea.   My wall doesn’t look like that.  I don’t like my wall.  I often don’t know how to not pull it up in situations where I feel uncomfortable.   I even know when I’m doing it!  Guaranteed, I’m thinking; “Could I just let the wall DOWN for heaven’s sake??”

 

Wanna know what my wall looks like?

 

Excessive talking.  Like, non-stop.  Like, “SHUT UP, Connie” kind of talking.  Now if I’ve ever talked your ear off that doesn’t necessarily mean I had my wall up, because its also the way you know you’re good friend.  I clearly feel safe to share my feelings, and so I will freely.  But if I don’t know you well and I’ve talked your ear off (and perhaps you’ve felt like saying; “SHUT UP, Connie”, that was my wall you were experiencing.  Weird, I know.  I don’t get it either.   But when I put up my wall, I so desperately don’t want to!  I want you to know that I’m actually not really THAT talkative (just don’t ask my hubby his opinion, k?)

 

What I actually want to say when I’m with you is what I’m feeling deep inside.  I’m a very deep thinker, who likes to really dig deep down into the guts of my emotion. I feel things deeply and love to talk things through with those who I feel will guard my emotions and see them as precious.

 

I think we all feel that way.  Interesting isn’t it?  We all want good relationships, but we feel the need to keep the walls up, keeping our desire at bay.

 

Maybe its time for a little rebellion?….   What if we let our walls down?  How would that feel?   I think we’d all feel pretty naked at first,  probably very vulnerable…. come to think of it, it would feel downright uncomfortable!   The scariest thing is that while my wall is down, so are my defences against your attacks.   Hurt is inevitable as we have no idea what to do with those with no wall!  It seems our only reaction is to hurt one another and see each other as “weak”.

 

We like that, don’t we.  If someone doesn’t appear to be the mysterious, strong woman (behind the wall), there’s a sense of admiration and curiosity.  But as soon as the wall is down and weakness is exposed, the true test of love is shown by the ability to love another wall-less woman….. to see beauty in her in frailty, not a chance for you to expose her for the sake of your insecurity.

 

Then and only then, will she (and you) feel safe to flourish.

 

* this is about women’s walls towards one another.  Our walls towards men is a whole different story….